sleepless nights...im sorry..

Today, I've broken my life record where I didnt sleep for 2 days. I never did it in purpose thoug but Im just too sick that it made me cant sleep. The last message I sent to honey was around 3 I guess. I thought that I could sleep but Im wrong, I was in total pain, shivering like hell in cold. I was quite lonely the whole night, I could put my head up, My headache was just too tremendous to explain and I puke like more than 10 times if Im not wrong. I didnt messaged honey the whole night because I know she wont be awake by her phone that is in silent mode.

So, I keep on going with my journey couldnt sleep the whole night till morning. I just sit on my bed wondering what honey's doing. I wanted to message her but Im scared if I'd disturb her because she said that sometimes she would be busy in the morning doing some house chores. I decided to turn on my laptop which is in standby, I turn on winamp and listen to some music till and chit chat with my cousin who is irritated by me because of my rants. He always listen to me telling how much I missed honey and wishing she's around. I keep on doing the same thing, listening to music till 12pm, Suddenly a message came in and I know its honey.

I told honey what happened to me. I took my bath and get ready to go out. I was already late by the way, my family are all set up and Im still in the toilet and they are already in the car. I dressed myself up, Went down and eat till I got chocked. I was in a rush, I went to the car and we shoot straight to KLCC. I need to take my cousin to the education fair because he wanted to find a good U for himself. So we browse every corner of the hall looking for some college that has bio courses. Theres bunch of it. After an hour browsing we head back to KLCC and walk around in there while waiting for my parents to come. I puke a lot of times in KLCC. Around 4.15 I got a call from my mama telling that 1 of my family friends father died because of asthma and heart attack.

When I heard that, I was completely blank. I was wondering how his kids feel, His kids are still very young and he's around 30 I guess. My parents pick us up and went to their house. When we reached their house, Im still blank and I was in shock to see that his 1st son, A 14 year old boy is already taking over everything that is happening there. I respect him for that. We just went and see the body and went back home because we're all tired. My mama and daddy just went to their house again (yep, they went at 10 pm).

That was 1 of the situation I faced today. Now Im feeling sick and totally useless when I couldnt do anything about my sickness. The doctor said that its because of my emotions that is causing my sickness. Well, I think he's right but I just feel guilty for honey, I dont know why. Maybe because she cant do a thing I guess. I just cant stop forgiving myself that I got sick like this. Maybe its my own fault becoming sick like this. But, its just me, I was like this since I was born. When I missed someone, I will get sick but not as sick as I am now. Maybe what honey said was right, Im just not strong enough. I just hope I will be okay 1 day. Tears are coming out of my eyes now, Tears of guilt. I made honey really worried about me and I cant forgive myself about that. What should I do. I cant do anything but just keep going on and try to be stronger.

I miss her yet I cant do anything to meet her. I just have to go on without her for the time being with my sickness. She's blaming herself for what is happening to me right now and I cant accept that. Its not her fault, Its mine alone. Im like this since I was born in this world. Now im feeling guilty as hell. I dont want her to feel guilty for what is happening now, I love her and i dont want to lose her. I just hope I will be okay quick now so that she would stop blaming herself and making her worried about me.