I'm a screw up and nearly screw it all up again.

This is a blog about what happen last Tuesday when I was on the way to send Hani to the Pudu Bus Station.

That day was a bad day for me and I screw up everyone's mood. I made my mama mad. I promised Hani that I would be there by 1pm but because my mama got mad, I did not make it on time and I reached her house at 3pm. That was the 1st damn mistake I made to Hani.

We make our way to KL at 3.30pm and her bus is at 4.30pm. I can't think of anything but speeding and keep on telling myself what kind of S.O.B I am.

We did manage to get to Pudu station at 4.25pm but it seems we missed the bus. I felt like banging my head on the wall when I get to know it. I was wondering what should I do that time because I Hani doesn't have enough money to buy a new ticket. The uncle who worked for the bus company told us that the bus is heading to the next station which is Duta station which is not really far from there.

Without hesitation I walked my quickly to the car and drive to Duta station. Guess what? The roads in KL were jammed. I just can't do a single thing but just keep on mocking myself like hell.

Lucky me, highway to Duta is clear and I step on the throtle and make our way there. We reach there at 4.40pm but I didn't realize the bus was there because I never saw the bus.

So, Luck was on Hani's side and she manage to get to the bus in time.

Even though we reach there on time. I just could not stop thinking how much I screw things up sometimes.

I just hope I don't screw things too much in the near future because I think I just suck once in a while.

Thats all for todays rant.

Holidays... 19 is coming.

Holiday has started since last week and right now I'm all alone with no friends around. If I ever want to meet them I have to plan and the chance of meeting them is unknown.

Things are not going to be the same anymore for the next sem. I might be changing my course and my time to hang around with my buddies at campus will be short.

Many things happened before this and it just got better. Now, a new one is starting and it's getting worse. The old problem will evolve into a bigger one this time and I can't do a thing about it. I am just going to accept all the things that will be done by both side no matter if it's something that I hate or I don't.

I am seriously going to ignore my feelings this time and if I think of expressing it, I will do it and it depends on the person to accept it or not. I can only tell but not change.

That's a gist of my problems. It's not safe for me to write everything here.

In 35 days I will be 19. Again, another boring day to face with no one around me and I don't know where it will be held this time. I don't mind at all anymore because everyone is far away from me. A few might call me or sms me on that very day and maybe some forget about it. It's okay, I don't care about it and you guys are still my friend.

So now, I would like to take the chance that I have right now since I'm feeling it right now.

For the people who have been by my side since the start no matter if you're on the other side of the world or not, I thank you people for being around. I will remember every help that you have given me all the time. I shall remember the good things about you and forget the bad once because I believe that people will change for the better always.

I believe in you guys. If you ever think you are bad, you are not! Everyone make mistakes and you deserve a chance always when you make mistakes. I believe you guys will change.

Thanks for being around me always.

I love you all.

Why date an architect..

I got it from my facebook group profile. It's quite interesting.. *lol*

top 10 reasons why to date an architect

1. all night long, all night strong.
We architecture students always overnight and got used to it.

2. we are damn good with our hands.
We draw and build a lot with our hands.

3. if we can commit to chipboard, relationships should be easy.
Chipboard is our greatest friend.

4. you should see the things we erect.
We will always try to make our board stand tall.

5. use to doing things over and over again.
We keep on doing the same theme or thing again and again.

6. finishing early never happens.
It takes quite a time to finish our job.

7. we know the true meaning of interpretation
We've been trained to interpret things.

8. creative positioning.
We've been taught how to make things creative.

9. work well with a mate.
Doing work with someone makes it easy and fun.

10. entry and passage are always exciting.
Everything we do that get peoples attention is great.

I'm a weapon.

I have done it again. I hurt someone and somewhat drag someone together in it.

I somehow feel that I've lose faith in people. I've done too much damage on other peoples life and I think I just can't take it anymore. I've hurt 'her' so much ever since the day where everything comes back again.

I love her but I think that it's not good enough for her anymore and maybe; it means nothing to her anymore. Thanks to myself for all the damage I have caused.

I am ready to face the music.

I am ready to be labeled as a person who doesn't use his brain but his 'dick' to think.

I am ready to be accused by people.

I am ready for nearly everything. I have done the damage and I have to accept the consequences.

I am ready to be looked as someone who takes people for granted. Because no matter what I do or I don't. I'm a guy, the guys are always the bad one.

I am ready to face my judgments from 'her' and god for everything that I've done.

Me, Azril Joshua is going to label himself as a 'Weapon Of Mass Destruction'. I bring destruction to other peoples life. I am accepting the fact of who I am. If I ever change to a better person one day, I'm thankful and if I never changed; I might be one of the most useless people in the world.

For the people who have known me and became my prey before. I am sorry. I'm a person who never lose his faith on people but I think I have lose it for now because I think that I don't bring a single thing but carnage to other peoples life.

I have lost the person who I always seek comfort from her and knowing her that she's mine. The one who I always call 'Meow' in text messages. I have lose the person who I have found my own place in the world. All the promise that I've made to her are undone. I've broke it.

Her existence is irreplaceable but there's nothing can be done. I have done all this. I will never be searched by her whenever she needs comfort from me. She has lose her faith, trust and maybe; love in me.

I accept all this. I thank her for all the things that she has done to me and I'm really sorry for all the damage that I have cause in her life. I've made her feel so bad in her whole entire life. I never made her feel so bad like the way she is right now.

If things ever get back together again. I hope I will be better but if it doesn't; I hope I will never repeat the same thing over again.

Thanks for everything and most of all, your love for me.

I am sorry.

Am I to good to be true, son??

Hahaha..joking..I'm just bored doing nothing at home and feeling cold on the leg *correct me if I'm wrong*

That is all.. Thank you.. If you think you can answer my question *the title*.. do tell ya...

The end has started.

The story between me and her has finally ended in vain. I have done all the damage and nothing can be done to heal this painful situation. The only thing I can do is accept the fate and move on no matter what and change whatever it is wrong with me.

I would say this past 1 year is one hell of the most happiest moment of my life. Her very own existence since the 1st day made me happy and even more when she accepted me on that very night.

She is the no.1 person after my very own family. She is my best friend and also, a sister. She has done too many good things to me which I really don't know how to pay it back.

Every words, her act of care towards me are priceless and irreplaceable.

She will always be an irreplaceable friend like the others before her and she will always be remembered too. Neither good or bad, I thank her for all the things that she has done to me and I'm sorry for all the things that happened between us.

Being with you the whole time is one of the most memorable part of my entire life. I shall pass on our great story to the people so they would know how great you treated me when we were together and how much I loved you.

I thank you, NUR AZHANI. May god bless you always for your kindness and care towards others and me.

Randomness again.

I am here again to express my so called 'rants' without even thinking what to write.

I am currently not okay for 'I don't know' what reason. I have gone into the toilet 7 times and puked once. Hmmm... Is someone mocking me or something *sigh*.

I'm tired right now because I've been pasting this and that for my model, And I'm getting sick of it.

I'm still in a dilemma between me and myself. Everything around me seems to be fine and get bouncy once in a while. I don't know when it will reach its limit.

Talked to Ros today about myself. Well, I am not going to write what I talked about but somehow she says that I'm just being too good to people. And for Hani, she said that I'm just being too good to the people outside my family. I don't really know what to say about Hani's comment about my attitude and all I could do is accept it.

Well, I would say this year is the most depressing year of my life for now. The last time I got really depressed when I was still in high school thanks to my so called 'psychotic ex-girlfriend'. And for this year, I should thank myself for making it the worse year again.

People and even Hani said that I should just find some new friend. Well, I don't know what to say but what can I say is I do have a lot of friends nearly all of them are S**t and the only one that is great enough is her friends.

Ros is right now the female 'Khai' in my life. She knows a lot if Hani doesn't know. I have no one to tell about my feelings towards Hani. But telling her doesn't change a thing and the only person who could give response is Hani and she has given her response; What we are going through right now. Mama couldn't share all my probs. I will be dead if I do.

Okay... I'm blank all the sudden. *Bergerak lar tangan ku!* I am trying to move on with my life but sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I just can move and sometimes, I can't. Well, I know one day I will get through this but I just don't know when is it. Hopefully, soon.

randomness.

I have no idea what to write. So I'm just going to write what my fingers want to type.

It's been a week I've faced too many problems and of course it's my own mistakes that make it all happen. I've made my friend and her upset because I just say something which I thought was something good to tell them but it just ended up making them pissed and leave me like this right now. I don't blame them but I just blame myself. I love her, I love them a lot. But it seems what they are saying is true that I don't understand them at all and just make them feel bad.

1st, I'm going to start off with my friend who is in Pahang right now.
He called me that night to talk to me about his study. I told him that he should believe in himself that he can do it but it ended up making him mad at him and tell me that 'I don't understand him at all'.

2nd, My childhood friend in Wangsa Maju right now.
He too called me to talk about himself and asking me about my life. He seems to have a bad family problem. It seems that his parents are going to divorce soon and he's just too tensed up. His parents didn't talked to him like they used too. I told him to try and just talk to his parents but it also ended up telling me that 'I don't understand him at all.'

There's another few people who got upset with me but I'm just going to write about the people who are really close to me.

The 3rd person is her, Honey. I know that she had too many assignments to do and stuff. She gets sick easily sometimes right now. Few days ago I felt that I just don't feel that I had enough attention because for some certain reason. I don't know why I feel that when I understand what she was facing. I did a blog about it because I want to avoid myself from telling her what I feel but it seems that I can't stop myself from doing it. So, last wednesday I just could not keep those feelings and I just feel bad (feeling that I should not tell her what I feel) to her. I wish I could tell her that day that I feel bad but I just can't. I sent her back home that day and told her what I felt. I was stupid. I shouldn't have said those things. I was dumb. She told me that 'I don't even understand her' at all. Things change since then, I just can't do anything anymore and I hope it would turn out like it used to be one day. She found the secret blog, thanks to my stupidity. Right now, I'm facing a hard time without her around but what has been done, is done. Thanks to my stupidity and selfishness. I have deleted that blog.

The last person was my mama and daddy. I just cant go on typing anymore. Tears are coming out from my eyes right now.

Few hours ago me,Kitz and Ros went out to K.L to hang out. It was okay until the time when I'm on the way back home. I was listening to Awie's "nurnilam sari" and Starsailor's "Four to the floor" music. It brings back good memories when I was with Honey. While listening to it make me remember how much she hated listening to those song and I was just smiling all by myself in the train like an ass.

Well, that's for what happen.

And for the last one. I am sorry to those who got mad to me because of my 'Not understanding' attitude. I am really sorry and hope you guys forgive me and come back to me and be like always. I love you guys a lot. For real.

And for Her, I want you to know that I am sorry and I never meant to make you mad. I never meant to break your heart. I was just expressing what I feel but it seems you got upset and ended everything all up. I wish I could just ask you out again. But I'm just following your advice 'Just leave me when I said I want you to do it. Please respect my decision, You are a loving person but you need to respect what I want sometimes.'

God knows how bad I feel ever since that day. I wish you could come back but I don't know if that day will ever come. I am stupid, selfish and 'not understanding' sometimes or maybe, always. But I am trying to change. I love you. But I don't know if these words mean anything to you anymore. My feelings for you have grown even stronger when we got back together and even now it's growing. I'm sorry. I understand why I've been ignored or when I'm ignore. Please forgive me. I love you.

I miss our memories. I thank you for that. And I'm sorry for everything. I've regret a lot because of these. I do not just lose you, but others too. If you are reading this. I thank you, and I want you to know that I love you and miss you.